One of the most intriguing things I have ever learned about the twin flame journey is that twins have been coming in “waves” for the last several decades. To be clear, twin flames have always been around throughout history, as best we can tell. But there is a recent increase in activations that is absolutely fascinating to me. I learned about it in this video from Cat at Sacred Soul Rising.
I was especially shocked to find out that I am part of the “first wave”, having met my other self in 1980! (Yes, 1980. That is not a typo.) As Cat says, the first wavers (1:33, 2:15) had it hard because there was no information out there for them to understand what was going on. I can so relate to this!
For the rest of my life after meeting my other self, I would always say that he was the catalyst to every stage of spiritual growth I experienced. He could say just one small thing, or ask just one question, and it would send me spinning off into a new phase of my spiritual journey.
These were long phases of activation and growth that included big setbacks, plenty of ego deaths, and more oscillations than I can count, and led me on a journey from Catholicism to Christianity and, eventually, to a deeper and more personal spirituality.
As my counterpart and I continued to have an off and on connection over the years, we both had other relationships, children, divorces, and so forth…always we would stay in touch somehow. I experienced multiple dark nights of the soul triggered by the ups and downs of our connection, never understanding why he could trigger me so deeply. (I want to be clear here that he was never in any way mean or abusive. That’s a level of toxicity that some twin flame communities seem to think is normal. It is not. Triggering is about having your core wounds activated so that you can heal them…not being abused physically or emotionally.)
Over the years, I kept “moving on” and going through times where I was growing spiritually on my own and learning the lessons of life without him. And then something would happen…and we’d randomly meet up again, or he’d call me out of the blue to check up on me. Each time, I would be thrown once again into a dark night of the soul, wondering how on earth I could love him so deeply and yet not be able to be with him. And as a Christian, I would cry out to Jesus and the Holy Spirit for help. I would feel guilty for these deep feelings I had, and mourn the loss of my “first love” over and over.
I believed for years that this was all just normal for first love. “They” say that you never get over your first love, so I figured it was just that. But many of my friends had fond memories of their first loves, but nothing like what I was going through. As my kids grew up and went through their teenage relationships and breakups, I found that they got over their first loves pretty easily, too. Why was my situation so different?
Because of all these unanswered questions, and the deep feelings I had that ran through the core of my being and brought up so much guilt and shame as a married woman and a Christian, I just tried my best to keep the whole thing quiet. I never spoke his name to anyone. If I told a story that involved him (and there were plenty), I would say “a friend of mine”. This was different from other ex-boyfriends, whom I could easily refer to by name, casually go out to lunch with, or even go on couples dates with them and their wives! This was all “no big deal” but there was always that one person I could never speak of. It just seemed safer not to, because the emotions were so raw.
But over the years, every so often, we’d be pulled back to each other again. I came to understand and describe this as a “cosmic rubber band” that kept us from getting too far apart. It was both exhilarating and uncomfortable. The thrill of hearing from him and the agony of knowing it was just for a fleeting moment, because we were both in other relationships. We appropriately never talked about our feelings, so I didn’t know how he felt. I just figured it was all me and I was just crazy obsessed with my first boyfriend.
Fast forward a few decades. After finally leaving my “Christian” marriage due to narcissistic abuse, I am now a recovering Christian with four adult children. We’ve all been through a LOT of therapy. Only my oldest son still attends church, but sporadically. My oldest daughter has experienced her own spiritual awakening, and she talks to me about spiritual things in a whole new way, so I am learning a lot. A couple of years ago, I learned about “twin flames” for the first time, and it vaguely intrigued me. My daughter told me it was toxic bullshit and I should steer clear of it.
She has good reason for saying this. There is so much toxic bullshit about twin flames on the internet that it’s amazing anyone wants to be one, and yet so many people are “looking for a twin flame” as if it’s the highest level of spiritual connection one could hope to achieve. And meanwhile, those who think they are in a twin flame relationship describe nothing short of emotional abuse from their “divine” counterparts.
But somehow, without trying, I kept bumping into twin flame information online. I wasn’t looking for it, but it would sometimes find me. And I started to notice the difference between the toxic brand of twin flame information and what seemed like a more balanced view. Slowly, I began to find content creators on YouTube who were speaking about twin flames in a much more rational way, without the toxicity. And what they were saying was making sense. It was aligning with my experiences. Resonating with my soul. For the first time, I felt seen and understood…as if someone had lifted up a couch pillow and found so many years worth of missing puzzle pieces.
Learning the truth about twin flames has finally allowed me to have peace after decades of confusion. I even have a vocabulary to describe the experiences. The ups and downs and emotional reactions are “oscillations” and “triggers”. All the times I was broken on the floor, experiencing depths of both love and grief that I could not explain, I can now call “dark nights of the soul”. The new levels of spirituality I encountered as a result of those experiences, I can now see as “ego deaths” of various kinds and degrees, which led to further spiritual awakenings where I was learning to live from my intuition and find a deeper faith in my soul. And I can finally grasp why the connection felt so sacred that I could not talk about it to anyone.
And frankly, I still can’t. Because now I know that it IS sacred. In the truest and deepest of ways.
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