In my personal experience, there have been a lot of lost memories and missing pieces in the timeline of our connection. I think that is partially because it goes back a long way and was overlapped and entangled with many different experiences and other relationships over decades. On the other hand, I think it also has to do with my own timeline of 18 years in an emotionally abusive marriage with a person with narcissistic personality disorder.
Since my twin flame and I never had a big falling out or any particular breakup at all, there was just this vague sense of things not working out for some reason. I usually felt like he was drifting away, and then he would come back in, and he would drift away again. I guess it might be what we call “ghosting” today, but we didn’t have that word for it back then and it didn’t feel malicious. It may have been what we now call “avoidant” but it may also have simply been circumstantial. But at the subconscious level, I am now certain that he simply experienced too much subconscious “push” energy from me and couldn’t deal with it. That’s not an insult…that’s literally the way divine masculines are wired and they can’t help it.
I had lots of other things going on and I would feel sad about his absence, but my life continued on and I just thought “Someday this will work out…” (we both used the word “someday” a lot because we knew it was never really over) but it never did. Now, when we connect as adults, and he has expressed his frustration or disappointment that things didn’t work out between us. My instinct is to try to figure out what the heck happened. Why didn’t it work out? Why were we always always together but not together? As a result, I have tried to put together the timeline. What was he doing it any given point in time when I was doing something else?
I love timelines. I use them in genealogy and in project management. And in this case, I want to know when things happened and what the connection is between our two timelines.
It occurred to me recently that I don’t have that concern or care when it comes to anyone else I know. It doesn’t make a difference to me what they were doing on the same day, week, or month that something significant was happening in my own life.
But the reason it matters with my divine counterpart is that I want to know what my soul was experiencing in its other incarnation. What lessons were we learning as a team? Were they at the same time or different times? So I want to know everything he was going through all of those years when we weren’t together and I wasn’t witnessing his life firsthand. I want to know what he was experiencing because that’s going to inform and teach me as to what struggles I have had through my other self and what still needs to be resolved.
I realize that this is a very mind/ego thing to do. And it’s also creating push energy. It’s not neutralizing and it’s not transmuting and it’s not alchemizing. It’s absolutely none of the things I’m “supposed to do” as divine feminine. It makes me feel a sense of control that I don’t really have, and I admit that. I am a storyteller by nature, and when the story is fragmented it becomes more of a focus for me because it’s unsettled. In this case, it’s an unhealthy focus. So for me, settling the timeline actually helps me transmute the energy between us. That’s my excuse.
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