One of the most misunderstood topics in spirituality is that of “twin flames”. Many people talk about wanting to find their twin flame, as if it’s the most romantic thing ever. On the other side of the coin, others bemoan their “twin flame” relationship and describe emotionally abusive behavior, while saying that they will wait forever for this person, certain that once their counterpart heals the abuse will stop.
Both of these are devastatingly inaccurate perceptions and I hope to set the record straight to some degree, while respecting the fact that differences will always remain in how we define this complicated relationship.
First, I want to suggest that you don’t go looking for your twin flame, because it is not necessarily the most perfect romantic match for you. In fact, there’s a really solid chance that if you have to look for your twin flame, [[you don’t have a twin flame]].
If you do have one, you will find them (or they will find you) without “looking”. If you are looking for love, you are more likely to find a soulmate and that is an awesome thing. In fact, I would say it’s better than a twin flame. The vast majority of souls on this earth are not on a twin flame journey…and probably don’t want to be.
Some don’t want to be because they’ve read about the abusive behaviors between alleged twin flames. And that’s a perfectly reasonable conclusion to draw based on much of the commentary on social media from people who are being emotionally abused by a partner that they believe to be their twin flame. Healthy individuals do not want that!
One friend of mine quipped that she thought having a twin flame as a romantic partner was off-putting because she didn’t want to be in that kind of relationship with herself!
But it’s also ok to not be interested in the twin flame journey…simply because you’re not on it. If you are, you’ll know it. If it’s part of your soul’s plan for this life, you’ll find it. Otherwise, you won’t care. And that is how it should be.
A twin flame is not necessarily the perfect relationship in which to settle down and build a family. That MIGHT happen, but it’s rare because that’s not the purpose of the relationship.
The definition and purpose of a twin flame relationship is a bit nebulous, and depends on who you listen to. But most agree that it is two individuals who share the same soul frequency. Some say it is one soul that chose to embody two humans on the planet at the same time to experience self love in the deepest way. Some say they are mirror souls (which is perhaps different from two halves of the same soul…or perhaps not).
Another term you may hear is “divine counterparts”, and more specifically, “divine masculine” and “divine feminine”. This is not a reference to gender, but rather to spiritual energy. We all have both masculine and feminine energies, regardless of gender expression. And in any twin flame pair, one will lean more into their masculine (yang) energies and one will lean into their feminine (yin) energies. Both are here to heal wounds related to both energies and learn to balance them.
Twin flames are sometimes discussed as “mirror souls” and because they mirror each other, they teach each other. This mirroring can be painful and triggering. Most people don’t want to look at a mirror all the time in a romantic relationship. Most people want a partner who brings something different to the relationship, someone who is healing their own wounds in a different way that you can support — not someone who is constantly showing you what’s wrong with you.
I honestly don’t think twin flames must do this to each other…it depends on how healed they are. But this is where the line between twin flames and high level soulmates can get blurry and may lead to confusion. You think you know someone who is in the perfect romantic relationship, and they say they have “found their twin flame”, so you get the wrong idea.
You may hear about the “runner and chaser” phase of the relationship. This is not unusual in a true twin flame relationship, but it has a particular definition. Just because you’re chasing a partner and they are running from you or vice versa doesn’t confirm that you are twin flames.
Emotionally abusive people can use the idea of a twin flame relationship to manipulate their partner. Unhealed teachers can magnify this aspect of the twin flame journey and even romanticize it. But it is a slippery slope: a person can become entangled in an unhealthy relationship thinking it’s a twin flame that they must pursue and stick with no matter what, when in fact it’s a karmic relationship that needs to end in order for healing and growth to take place.
This is by no means an exhaustive description or definition of a twin flame relationship. In many ways, it is more of a warning about what twin flames are not, so you don’t end up down a rabbit hole of misery.
Explore what it really means to have a twin flame or be on a twin flame journey. If you think it fits your situation, by all means claim it and continue the healing. But be aware that it is an ascension journey and it’s only for the called. Looking for it from a place of ego and or expecting to find the perfect lover will lead to disappointment and spiritual bypassing. Listen to a lot of different teachers with different perspectives to find which ones resonate with you. May your journey be blessed.
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